It's been a whirlwind of runway fashions, BITCH fits, “liquid diets”, paparazzi attacks, designer duds and dance offs this past week...Soooooo, I’m narrowing it down to bitch and expose my Top Three embarrassing moments of the week:
1) A sticky situation occurred during a late night, high-caloric fixation at Cactus Club. With all the terrible luck I’ve been magneting this month, I topped it off by getting green mint-smelling chewing gum stuck on the back of the knee of my jeans! Mutha F*&%!@%#^&(&%#!!!! And since I was not aware of the elastic filth situation, I had completely smeared the damn thing all over my other knee because I'm a former classy bitch who likes to cross their legs! Mutha F*&%!@%#^&(&%#!!!! AGURH!
Freezing it, boiling it, greasing it and torching it...nothing worked. So, since I’m a recent victim of this economic recession, I completely made do and mended it by shearing my Juicy Couture for Men’s skinny jeans to turn them into walking shorts, which I will totally pair up with a gingham collared shirt with rolled up sleeves, a set of casual loafers and pair of Wayfarers to create a perfect ready for summer look.
2) Being on my 'best' behaviour, I worked it out at Vancouver Fashion Week`s Opening Gala Event hosted at Leone in Downtown Vancouver. I strutted around the lavish boutique with much demure wearing a classic white collared shirt, a grey lapel vest, raw skinnies, brown oxford boots, a plaid bow tie and coiffure slicked-up. As coy as I might act, I was feeding off the attention from the countless photographers snapping pictures of me as I swaggered around.
Being on my terrible liquid diet of just wine that day and just being a plain klutz, I spilt red wine on my white collared button down shirt! Mutha F*&%!@%#^&(&%#!!!! With a maaaajah wardrobe malfunction at such a high end event, I WAS COMPLETELY DOOMED FOR SOCIAL SUICIDE! With just a second to think, I threw on my brown leather jacket, pushed the sleeves up and zipped it half way to expose my bow-tie and conceal the wine stain. I had just gracefully revamped my look of pretty school boy to an edgy chic urbanite and was ready to work the room again.
3) Vancouver Fashion Week fever was in town and I was fortunate enough to receive a lovely invitation from my girl L.J.B. (xoxo) to attend some runway shows during the week. Of course, being the maaaajah Divas we are, we all sat front row, leather boots polished, accessories gleaming and BlackBerrys on hand.
Being on my 'best' behaviour, again, I tried very Really AWFULLY EXTREMELY hard to not make any foul comments or sassy remarks as models/garments strutted down the runway in the packed venue. As I sat front row, I also avoided any awkward facial expressions because being caught with a raise brow at a runway show is like hurling a butcher’s knife at a hopeful heart!
With that said, I finally understood why guests sometimes wear big black sunglasses at major designer shows while sitting in front row. Besides from the obvious fact of wearing shades for the basic shield of the bright flashing cameras and to look completely bitchy fierce, people wear them because it’s a PERFECT WAY TO CONCEAL YOUR EMOTIONS towards a repulsing garment that it walking across you! Cross your eyes, roll them, gawk and raise them because no one will ever know what you are thinking!
photo credits: Joyce Lam, Yumi Ang, Martin Krzywinski & Jonathan Evans
-Px.